Owning my shit

I eat like crap. There. I said it. I can give a million reasons why, but most are excuses. Mom was a comfort feeder, I turned to sugar after I was cut off from caffeine at the tender age of 16, I have a sweet tooth, I am a lousy cook. As I'm typing this out all I hear is "blah blah blah."

Over the last year I have made a commitment to working out and have accomplished stuff I never thought I could. I participated in two races and at one point was exercising a minimum of four days a week - really more like 5 days. But I still ate like crap. Because of that, I didn't make nearly enough progress with my fitness and health goals.

Yes, I have very active lupus an it's never going to go away. Yes, I take a shit ton of meds that fuck up my metabolism. Yes, some of what my body does is out of my control.

I am almost 30 years old and I'm tired of making excuses. It's time for me to own the fact that despite the fact I've worked hard-harder than I ever have- I still have so much farther to go. If I am going to achieve my desired health and fitness goals I need to do two things.

First, I need to come up with SMART (specific, measurable, appropriate, realistic and time-based for all you evaluation geeks) goals.

And second - i need to own my shit every single day. If I eat like crap I have to own the act and the consequences. If I only work out once a week, I can't act surprised when I don't see a change.

I recently started a health journal as a way of helping me own my shit. Even on my worse day I will write in what I eat (or don't), exercise (or don't) and how I feel.

I wan to learn how to be honest with myself and respond accordingly.

Wish me luck.

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Change of plans

It's been a while. Work has been insane and health has sucked. I haven't been able to run/ walk/jog in months and it has sucked royally.

Because of this I've had a lot time to think about many goals. After several talks with my trainer, doctor, husband, and closest friends vie decided to skip the disney half marathon. My body is just not up to it and I'm not willing to risk getting sicker to prepare.

I haven't stopped working with my awesome personal trainer @mariafit, but it's definitely scaled back.

My new goal is to drop more weight and work on getting stronger so marathon training wont kill me. The goal is to attempt the LA marathon in 2011. Once I complete this goal, I'm goon to focus on muay Thai boxing.

I promise I'll get better at posting. Summer is slow(er) so I'll try to get in weekly posts.

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Eek!

Eek pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.  Time is going by entirely too fast and I'm struggling to keep up with it all.

First things first - I have not yet gotten back into a training routine.  The foot finally healed, but my heart is still acting like a fool. Because of the lupus, I've developed a weird heart issue. I have chronic tachycardia - basically without medication my resting heart rate is roughly 120 beats per minute.  Best guess is that there's some sort of electrical misfiring between the brain and the heart.  In any case, I'm on medication for the rest of my life to control it.  A few weeks ago my heart was beating faster than normal and I was sent to the emergency room for monitoring. My doctor and I tweaked my meds to make my heart slow down, but I'm still not even close to 100% back to normal.  I've been killing time until my heart stops freaking out.  I haven't done much exercising at all, if you don't count running all over NYC for a week.

My goal for May (eek, it's May already) is to get back to the gym at least 3 times each week - including meeting with my personal trainer.

The Disney Half is 130 days away, so I need to get back to training asap.

Getting back into a rhythm

I've been out of the exercise game for a little over a month now.  While I've managed not to gain any weight (and actually lose a few pounds), my precious rhythm has been utterly shot.  I was comfortably working out a minimum of three times a week.  I loved it - it was my release and my "me" time.  After getting injured, I moped for a good three weeks and then started filling up my spare time with either sleeping or working.  It blows.

I was recently put back on prednisone (a corticosteroid with nasty side effects) to help with inflammation in my brain.  Among the fun side effects, it makes me weepy, irrational/moody, ravenously hungry, and restless.  It also makes it hard to sleep.  I'm hoping to turn that into a positive and use this extra awake time - I can't call it energy - into productive time.

I NEED my "me" time back.  I just need to get into a pattern of making that time for myself.  I've got 12 personal training sessions left, so the first task is scheduling those days in my calendar.  Then I'm going to force myself to get up and go walking every Sunday morning, with the goal of making it my running day.  I'm also going to go back to the gym once I can muster up the energy to go before work.

I NEED your help.  Bug me.  Make sure I leave work at a regular time. Make sure I make time to exercise.

Disney Half - Marathon

Marathon weekend has come and gone. It was amazing.  I had a great time organizing our team's activities throughout the weekend and completely lost my voice cheering on marathon day.  Now that it's all over, and my foot is considerably better, I figured it was time to sign up for a new race.  Since I haven't been to Disney yet, I figured what better way to see the park than running through it.  I've got something like 150 days to train, so I have plenty of time to get up to speed.

Progress

It's been about three weeks since the fall and I'm pleased to report that the healing is coming along nicely. The swelling has finally gone down, the bruises are fading and I can walk fairly comfortably. I am still in the cast as my ankle is still a bit wobbly, but I can wear it with a sneaker on my foot instead of the post - surgery shoe.

I also went back to the gym for the first time last night. We stayed away from lower body workouts but managed to find an hour's worth of torture for me :p. It was fabulous. I've never been so excited to sweat and feel nauseaus. I also found a few exercises that I can comfortably do at home, so I will be building those into my routine each morning.

Hooray progress!


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The daily pain

I was recently reading an article on the Runners World website about the psychological damage of injuries by Ben Cheevy.  While it was an interesting and engaging article, there was one line that really struck a chord.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. 

Yes, I experience some level of pain every single day.  A good day for me simply means that the pain is tolerable enough that I can get up, go to work, interact with others and be a productive member of society.  Feeling "good" or "healthy" generally means I'm in less pain than usual.  While it sucks, I've come to terms with this reality.  It's part of living with lupus.  

And as much as I bitch and moan about the pills I have to take, the running injuries, etc., I need to be clear.  I'm choosing to not suffering.  I can't suffer.  Despite everything, I have a good life. I have an amazing husband and supportive family, I have a friggin' adorable dog, I have wonderful coworkers and friends.  Hell, I have amazing friends who I've never met in person through some of my favorite lupus sites.  

Someone smack me upside my head the next time I lose sight of all of this.

Sidelined

I'm heartbroken to say that I won't be running the marathon next month. I had a freak accident/fall on Tuesday, and ended up with a small tear in my lateral ligament of my right foot.  While the pain and swelling have gone down substantially, I will be in an air cast (removable) for the next 3-4 weeks.  I've been told that I can't do any real training until it's off.  I can start doing some "light" walking in a week or two.

It took all my will power not to burst into tears when I found out, but I'm gradually getting to an okay place about it all.  I've let my trainer know that I want to come back in a week or two to get in some shorter upper-body workouts, and am still hoping that I can at least walk the 5k race.  If I can't my goal is to get back into training as soon as it's feasible and complete a marathon ASAP. I want all of the people who donated money in support of my race to feel like they have gotten their money's worth, and I NEED to feel like I've accomplished my goal.

Even though it's only been a few days, I'm feeling significantly (physically) better.  My foot only throbs when I'm sitting, and I can limp pretty well.  The real challenge is driving, but hopefully that will ease up as well.

I'll still keep posting during this break (no pun intended).  I started this blog because of the marathon, but my journey to feeling better and learning how to run/walk without getting hurt is just starting.

And here's a fun link I wish I had seen/paid attention to a while ago: 10 Laws of Injury Prevention

33 days

I realized last week that I'm running out of time very, very quickly.  I've stalled out at 10 miles - while I have the stamina and desire to do more,  any more than that, and up until today my feet blistered so bad that I couldn't walk.  Today, I finally figured out the trick- covering my feet entirely in moleskin.  It's slightly uncomfortable, but hey, it works.  I've also come to the sad, sad conclusion that as much as I hate running intervals, it's going to be the only way I will finish the marathon in the time I've planned.  It's not going to be pretty, but I'm going to finish.

Why work with a trainer?

I technically have three trainers - one personal trainer who I see twice a week, and two running trainers who I see once a week, assuming I make it out for my long run.  When I'm on top of my game, I also go to another gym a few times a week to work out on the treadmill.  It's kind of a crazy schedule, but it works for me.  I realize that other people could (and do) accomplish more on their own, but that's not me.  I'm somewhat lazy, and very much adverse to any sort of physical discomfort.  I mean really, I spend a good part of my life taking meds and doing things so I don't hurt - why would I (on my own) do something that I've long associated with not feeling good? This is why it works for me:

• Accountability -  I'm accountable to a few people.  I'm accountable to my trainer, since I have weekly appointments.  I'm accountable to myself and my husband because I'm using our hard earned money for this training.  With the running training, I'm accountable to my team since I see them several times a week.  I'm also accountable to my sponsors, who are counting on me to train well enough to complete the marathon. 
• Expertise - My trainers know what the heck they're doing.  That's why I pay them.  They know what exercises to do in what order and in what repetition to gain the results I desire.  It saves me the time of trial and error in coming up with a workout that meets my needs.
• Support - I have the most awesome trainers ever.  They're all so supportive of what I do, and they're genuinely happy when I reach a new milestone.  
• Safety - It's nice having someone watching me when I use weights.  I tend to fall a lot, so it's good to know that someone will make sure I don't give myself a concussion on the way down. 
• Inspiration - I really do admire my trainers.  Each of them are awesome in their own way, and every time I work out with them, I pick up something new.  

That being said, I know that other people have the motivation and time and common sense to work out on their own.  I think that's great, but that will probably never be me.  While I can work out on my own some of the time, I need regular interaction and instruction.